Chapter Two: A Very Strange Prison

It was much lighter where they came out. It was also not as orange. It was a pure clean light. They could see the light coming through some windows that were very high up. They didn't admire the light for long. They held their guns up, ready to fire at anyone that might come near. But the prison appeared deserted. None of the cells had anyone in them. They couldn't see many cells though. It appeared as if they were in a special teleport room, because it was enclosed on three sides.

“Shh,” Bob whispered.

Andy nodded yes back. Bob motioned for Andy to come toward the edge of the wall. Then Bob made a very strange set of motions that Andy couldn't deduce. He figured it out fairly quickly though. Bob had motioned for Andy to create a force field around him. Andy did this and Bob ventured a look around the corner. Bob didn't see anything, so he motioned for Andy to follow. Alas, there wasn't really anything. However, the path branched off into two at the end of the hallway. They kept on walking and kept on looking in the cells, but nothing was in them.

“Not much of a crime problem, huh?” Bob commented.

“Yeah, no crime problem at all,” Andy replied.

After a while of walking through the prison they realized something. This was like a maze. They seemed to be going in circles. They tried taking different turns, but never got anywhere. They spent about an hour before they finally got someplace. Unfortunately, it was someplace they didn't want to be.

“That looks familiar,” Andy said.

“That's because we've been here before!” Bob said furiously, “That's the teleporter we got up here using.

They were very disheartened at this point, for they had gotten nowhere. Then Andy gave them a boost of confidence.

“Well, last time we took a left at this first fork. Let's take a right.”

“Wow! That was a lot to remember. And you're right. Let's get going.”

They took a right with confidence. They kept going and saw something entirely new. In an open cell they saw the most perfect looking cake ever. It was perfectly round. The icing's coloring was completely consistent. It was intricately decorated. It appeared to be a birthday cake because it had a bunch of candles on it and it said “Happy Birthday” written on it. They looked around and saw no one. At that point they realized just how hungry they were. There were two places set at the table.

“Let's eat!” Andy said.

“I'm not sure that's such a – WHOA!” said Bob as Andy dragged him over to eat.

So they sat down and took some cake. They saw it was chocolate. Then they each ate a bite.

“This tastes funny.” Bob said.

Then they both collapsed.

*****

When they woke up, they were in a cell. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that the door was closed, locked, and guarded by two stupidians.

“The cake was poisoned.” Bob said in a sad voice.

“Well, we need to get out!” Andy said in a loud voice.

“Less talking and more sitting.” one of the guards grunted in a gravely voice.

“I've got an idea,” whispered Andy as they sat down.

“Fire away,” Bob whispered back.

“You knock one of the guards out with the magic powers and when the one gets knocked out, I'll knock the other one out before he knows what has ever happened. It's a surprise attack!”

“Let's do it. You know, keep this up and you could be vice president of the National Association of Village Idiots.”

Bob concentrated really hard and soon a stupidian guard was knocked out. Andy quickly knocked the other one out.

“You know, I just realized. How are we going to get out of here?” Bob commented.

“Remember the magical powers?”

“Yeah...”

“They include levitation.”

“Oh yeah!”

Andy quickly levitated the keys over to themselves and they unlocked the door. Then they picked up the guns from the guards. However, the cake created a problem. They had no clue where they were in the prison. They once again wandered aimlessly, hoping to find something.

It took a long time but they found the cake again. They saw the parts they has eaten. They continued on from that point with more resolve and renewed hope. It took another hour, but they eventually found something of great interest. There was a door labeled “High Security Section.” This was of great interest to them. Surely a smart and important prisoner like a village idiot would be kept in the high security section! They opened and walked through the door.

The high security section didn't look different from the normal security section. The cells looked the same. They didn't see any guards. The cells still looked empty. The only noticeable difference was that there was a little switch next to each cell. They decided to flip one just for fun. To their great surprise, the cell bars electrified with a bright orange glow. This really scared them both, so they turned it off and moved on.

This section was completely deserted. The only thing of interest was another teleportation pad. They couldn't help but wonder if this one as less guarded than the one they had used. Or if it was physically closer. But they didn't have the time to worry about that.

They kept moving. They saw another booby-trap cake, but they knew well enough now to not touch those. Then they saw something very interesting. Fresh chicken soup. Bob quickly formulated a plan.

“OK, I’ll try the soup. I’ll eat some and then wait ten minutes. If I haven’t passed out or anything after I eat the soup, it is probably safe. If I do pass out, wait for the stupidians to show up and knock them out. Then wait for me to wake up.”

“Sounds good to me.”

Bob took some of the chicken soup and ate it. He commented “It tastes funny, but strangely good,” but he didn’t pass out. He kept on eating. Soon he said “I reckon it’s OK. Join me!” So Andy grabbed a bowl of soup. Nothing happened to them. They quickly finished their soup when they saw a water cooler full of soup. They quickly got some and ate it. Still nothing happened. Soon they were completely full, and refreshed, from the soup.

Walking through the maze wasn’t too hard. It wasn’t nearly as large or as complicated as the regular security section. They eventually reached something that was of incredibly great interest. There was a sign that read “Approaching Maximum Security Section. Please get out your security pass ready.” Then they turned the corner and saw them.

Two stupidian guards were blocking the entrance to the maximum security section. They quickly ducked back behind the corner as the guards fired, barely missing them.

“It’s force field time.” Andy said.

Andy made a force field around them and they got out from behind the corner. Bob quickly fired and disabled the two guards in just a few seconds.

“We’re getting good at this!” Andy said.

“Yeah. I think we’ll need to be on guard. With two guards outside the section, the inside is bound to be swarming with them. Let’s steal their guns and security passes.”

They stole them and stepped into the high security section.

*****

The place was swarming with guards. It took a short moment for the guards to realize what had just walked through the door. But that moment was all Andy and Bob needed. Andy quickly made a force field and they both shot the guards.

Then they noticed something else. Most of these cells were full. As soon as all the guards were all knocked out, the prisoners started begging to be let out. Andy resisted the urge to cause more misery towards the stupidians by letting them out. But then he thought that it is not a good idea to anger your captors. They moved on, zapping guards as they went. Each time they stole a security pass, so as to not arouse suspicion of a central intelligence. They moved quickly. This section wasn’t very maze-like. Then they spotted their goal. A sign on a windowless door said “Highest Security. NO UNAUTORIZED ACCESS.” At this point they had to give up on the “not arouse suspicion” idea. They swiped security card after security card. On the twelfth cart the door unlocked. They heard the unmistakable click of a door getting unlocked. Andy immediately put up a force field. He knew there would be many guards for these prisoners. But there was just one cell. Unfortunately, there were also five guards. The prisoner was not like all the others. The prisoner was a village idiot. As soon as the guards spotted Andy and Bob they started firing. These guns were not the same. They shot orange beams. These really drained Andy’s power. Their armor was not the same either. It absorbed almost every blast. It took fifteen shots to take down one of the guards. They quickly took down four guards when the fifth said “I surrender Don’t shoot. I can help you. I know you guys aren’t the smartest people on earth.”

This was a very shocking statement. But still, they couldn’t take chances...

“Give us your gun and we’ll talk,” Bob said.

To their great surprise, the stupidian complied.

“I’m smarter than your average stupidian. I have gathered that you guys are really stupid.”

“You would be right.” Bob said.

“So. What have you gone through so far?” the stupidian asked.

Andy and Bob told him everything. They didn’t know what made them trust this stupidian, but they did. So they told him everything. From the lava dungeon to right then. Actually, it didn’t take very long.

“So, I see you fell for the old Bloopernob dung cake trick.” the Stupidian said, “Oh, by the way, I’m Flooblax.”

Andy and Bob both nearly chocked. Bob managed to cough out “Bloopernob DUNG!?!?”

“Yeah, it tastes OK, but knocks you out for a few minutes.”

After they got over their chocking fit, Bob introduced them.

“I’m Bob, President of the National Association of Village Idiots, and this is Andy,” Andy waved, “a village idiot from Walla Walla, Washington.”

“And as I said before, I’m Flooblax. I’m a guard here.”

“How do we know we can trust you?” Bob asked.

“All you can do is trust me. You don’t have a choice, you know.” Flooblax responded. “I’ll start gaining your trust by freeing this village idiot.”

He went over to a control panel, all the while with guns pressed into his back, thanks to Andy and Bob. But then the cell was no longer electrified. Then just a moment later a force field they didn’t even know was there seemed to melt right into the ground. Then Flooblax walked over to the cell. He placed a small black knobby looking key into a small lock-like thing that then was turned. When this happened the bars slowly slid down into the ground with a mechanical and hydrolic hiss. At this point they figured that Flooblax was worthy of their trust.

Bob wasn’t thinking about Flooblax. He immediately went over to the village idiot. The village idiot appeared very frightened, and for good reason, being trapped in a cell on another planet.

“Hi. I’m Bob. I’m president of the national association of village idiots. What’s your name?”

“Philip,” said the village idiot, still sounding scared, “But you can call me Phil.”

“Nice to meet you Phil,” said Bob as he shook Phil’s hand, “So, where are you from?”

“I’m from Austin, Texas.”

Then Phil saw the stupidian.

“AHH!” Phil screamed, “Quick! Shoot him! He’s getting up!”

“Oh, him? You must not have been paying very good attention. It’s because of Flooblax here that you are free.”

At this point Flooblax interrupted saying “We’re not quite free yet. We still have to get out of here.”

“Oh, yeah. How are we going to get out of here?”

“There is a secret armory off of this cell. I made it, and everything in it, myself. There is some armor in there that will make you blend in.”

Andy then interjected “In case you haven’t noticed, our eyes don’t come out of the tops of our heads.”

“I thought of that. I’ve invented a device that puts cameras in the armored eye stalks. Then it allows you to see. It does more though! It tracks your eye movement to give the eye stalks more realistic movement and you high visibility. I’ve also invented a super-compressor so we can take along enough stuff for all the village idiots.”

“Wow! You must have been planning this for a long time!” said Bob.

“Yeah. I started work as soon as I that they were going to abduct you. And when I realized you were stupid.”

“Well, let’s suit up!” Bob said.

Flooblax walked up to the wall with the window and pressed in several of the bricks. Then the entire left-hand wall slid neatly, and silently, into the floor.

The armory room was amazing. The walls themselves seemed to glow. Then they saw the armor. It was nice armor. They each got into a suit (except Flooblax, for he was already in armor) and they were quite comfortable. Andy could see perfectly. Then something dawned on Andy.

“How do wee go to the bathroom?”

“The suit will do it for you.”

“OK...” said Andy, in a confused and highly skeptical way.

“Well, let’s set out. I also built a secret exit.” said Flooblax.

Flooblax said some kind of password, and then the wall of the secret room adjacent to the window wall slid cleanly into the floor and they were temporarily blinded by the light.

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Chapter One: We're Not in Kansas Anymore

Andy, or “Hey, Idiot!” to his friends, didn't wake up in his bed. He knew it wasn't anywhere in his house either. He wasn't sure it was even Walla Walla. He was thoroughly refreshed from his sleep so he decided to figure out where he was.
This place wasn't like anywhere he had ever been before. He didn't know of any place that compared to it. He finally settled on the words “Lava Dungeon.” The whole place seemed to glow reddish-orange. He was on a small ridge that had a sharp fall to a boiling river of what looked like lava. However, the river of lava didn't seem to be moving. Indeed, it was even crusting over in some spots. The roof appeared to be 50 feet above his head. The entire place smelled rancid, but he couldn't think of anything it smelled like. It also smelled... good. The whole place seemed to be giving off such strange odors that he couldn't smell less than 3 things at any given time.
This was quite pleasant at first, but eventually it gave him a headache. Then something very strange happened. A bright pink light shone in the distance, and disappeared a second later. This pink light seemed very familiar, but from where? Eventually he decided to go exploring. He thought, “Nothing will happen if I just stay here.” He walked for a while, but didn't see anything of interest. “This place must be massive!” he thought. Then, when the echoes, came back he realized he had said that aloud. His voice seemed to echo forever off the cavernous walls. Then to his great surprise, a voice echoed back, saying “It is.” He decided at once that he must find the source of this voice.
“Where are you?” Andy asked.
“Who are you?” the voice responded.
“I'm Andy, the village idiot for Walla Walla.”
“Nice to meet you, Andy. I'm Bob, President of the National Association of Village Idiots.”
Andy was stunned. Here was someone Andy could relate to. A village idiot. An IMPORTANT village idiot. However this person, Bob, didn't sound much like a village idiot. Andy decided he must make sure they were brothers in idiocy.
“Are you a village idiot?”
“No, but I used to be. That is why I'm President of the National Association of Village Idiots. I know what you guys go through, but I'm more 'Socially Acceptable.'”
Andy had to think about this for a moment. “Socially Acceptable.” What did it mean?
Bob finally sensed this and said, “Socially acceptable means the people can accept me better.”
“Oh, I get it now.”
“OK, we need to talk face to face and discuss getting out of here. Are there lava pools on your side of the lava river?”
Andy couldn't see any so he said, “No, I don't see any.”
“Good, we're on the same side of the river. Now, is the river on your left of your right?”
“Lets see... L for left... its on my right!”
“Good! Just keep walking forward. Keep to the bank of the river. Let me know when you get to the bridge.”
Andy walked for a long time, but eventually reached the bridge.
“What now?” Andy asked.
“All right, just walk straight on until the fence. Let me know when you're there.”
It turned out that the bridge was exactly halfway between where he woke up and the fence. It took him another long time to get to the fence, but he eventually got there.
“Now what?”
“Follow the fence away from the river. You'll reach the cavern wall eventually. At that point just follow the wall until you find me. I'm sitting on a chair”
“OK”
“Remember, if you can't remember all that, just yell and ask me again.”
“I think I can remember. Can I take a break? I'm tired.”
“Of course you can,” Bob said with amusement.
Andy thought that if he could see Bob's face it would have a small smile.

Andy reached into his pants pocket, for he had forgotten to change into pajamas the previous night, and found a melted chocolate bar. He knew it was very impolite to eat so sloppily, but he was hungry so he ate it. He leaned against the fence and almost fell asleep, but he eventually decide to start walking again. It took him a very long time, but eventually he reached the wall. At this point something happened to Andy that didn't happen very often. He remembered something. In this particular situation he remembered that he had his watch on. He looked on his wrist and saw that it was 10:00 AM. Andy's internal clock was so finely tuned that he always woke up at 8:00 AM. That meant he had been lost for 2 hours. Then he had another unusual occurrence, a thought.
“Why are you here?”
“I've been trying to piece the situation together. That and I know a little bit about what is going on here.”
“So what IS going on?”
“We'll talk later, this needs to be a private conversation.”
Well, this just confused Andy even more. Then something else that was unusual for Andy happened. He remembered. He remembered to keep walking along the cave wall. So he walked, and he walked, and he walked. After about another hour went by he saw something in the distance. He was about to ask if it was Bob when he heard “Is that you Andy? Jump up and down if it is you.”
Andy decided to jump up and down and Bob replied ecstatically “It is you! I imagine you can see me right now! Just keep running!”
Fairly soon he got to meet Bob face to face. He was a very average man. He was about five feet, six inches. He was neither fat nor skinny. He was dressed in average, everyday clothing. He was right-handed and had brown eyes. He wasn't really anything special. But he gave off a sense of power.
“Nice to meet you Andy!” said Bob.
“Nice to meet you too, Bob! So, what's been going on?”
“We need to talk in whispers so the stupidians don't hear us,” whispered Bob.
“Who are the stupidians?”
“Let me start at the beginning. I know all the things I am about to tell you because the stupidians were stupid enough to tell me everything. We are on the planet Stupid. The...”
“What!? We're on another PLANET!?”
“Yes. The stupidians are stupid enough to believe that village idiots are the smartest people on earth. However, the stupidians aren't really dumb, they just don't have any common sense. They are smart enough to build spaceships and teleporter beams, but don't have the common sense to know that village idiots are not smart. They abducted us and flew us through hyperspace to the planet. Then they teleported us down to this chamber. But before they teleported us down here, they told me that they were going to get us to give them all our knowledge and then they would remove our brains to make sure we told them everything. They told me that there are 10 other village idiots on the planet. We need to rescue them. Will you help me?”
“Sure. I have a question though.”
“Sure, fire away.”
“Was that bright pink light I saw before I started talking to you a few hours ago one of their teleporter beams?”
“Yes, it probably was. Well, we should head out now. Let's head out to the bridge.”
It took a very long time to get to the bridge, but time moved a lot faster because Andy had someone to talk to on the way there. Finally they reached the bridge. At that point Bob gave a very grave warning.
“After this point we need to be on the lookout for stupidian guards. We have to rescue the village idiot trapped in the prison we are underneath. There is something I haven't told you yet. The stupidians invented a wonderful device that gives any creature magical powers. I tricked the stupidians into giving me one of these devices. We will need to use the device on ourselves to be able to get past the guards.”
“What kinds of magical powers will the device give me?”
“The ability to poison, make someone fall asleep, immobilize someone, just generally hurt them and more.”
“All right! Lets use the device!”
The device was small, round, and had a small pink button on it in the middle. Andy held the device in one hand and pressed the button with the other hand. It felt as though electricity was surging through his entire body. Then it felt like he had be thrown into a giant vat of ice-cold water. Then, just a second later it felt like he had been on the beach for hours in August. Finally, it felt like his body was in a wind tunnel, but there wasn't actually any wind. Then it stopped. Andy could FEEL the magic surging through his veins.
“So, did it work?” Bob asked.
“I don't know.”
“Well then, try it out!”
“How do I do that?”
“Will yourself to break that rock on the ground! Just concentrate on breaking that rock in half. Concentrate very hard.”
Andy concentrated for just a second and the rock cleanly split in two.
“Well, I guess it works!” Andy said.
“Yeah, I guess it works.”
“It's your turn now.”
“OK, here it goes.”
It took just a moment and then the device had worked its magic on Bob too.
“I'll try and break that rock in half.” Bob said.
It took him half a minute before he could get it to break.
“Hmmm. This is very interesting. Maybe it works better for you because there is less going on in your head, so you can concentrate better.”
“That could explain it. So, are we ready to get out of here?”
“Yes. Let's go.”
They walked across the bridge and soon a stupidian guard spotted them. The stupidians were like nothing he had ever seen before. They had two arms in front and two in the back. They were just 4 feet tall and had brownish-gray colored scaly skin. Their heads were round and had no hair. Instead, they had two eyes on eye stocks that could move around freely and independently. They appeared, at least to Andy, to be very ugly. And then something bad happened.
“He has a gun,” Andy said in a small voice.
“Quick, attack him!”
It took about 5 seconds due to nervousness, but Andy eventually imagined a giant mallet hitting the stupidian over the head. The stupidian slumped over immediately, as if he had been hit over the head with a giant wooden mallet.
“Good work!” Bob said, “But here comes another one!”
And indeed, another one was coming. Andy concentrated hard again and the stupidian tripped and fell. Then his gun floated over to Andy and Bob.
“Whoa! I didn't know the magical powers included levitation!” Bob said.
“I didn't know either, I just figured I should try.”
“Well, come up with more of those lucky guesses and we'll rescue those village idiots in no time.”
They kept running onward and hitting stupidian guards with their own guns. These weren't ordinary guns though. They shot a (what else?) pink beam out that stunned whatever it hit. If you shot an inanimate object it would disintegrate. If you shot an animate object 5 times very quickly the person would die. If you shot the dead person three more times very, very quickly the person would disintegrate. The gun was shorter than a common rifle but was bigger around. The gun seemed to run off a perpetual power source that would never run out of energy.
“This is fun!” Andy commented.
“Yeah? Well it's about to get a lot funner! Watch out!” Bob said cynically.
About twenty stupidians were running toward them from all sides. They all were opening fire on Andy and Bob. They looked like an unbreakable wall.
Bob said, “On three start mowing them down. One Two Three!”
They both immediately opened fire. It took just thirty seconds before all the stupidians were knocked out. But not all was right. Bob was lying on the ground. Andy was stunned. Andy looked on his gun. He saw a little switch. He decided to flip it to see what it did. He took a shot at a stupidian. It immediately jumped right back up, and none of the others did. Andy quickly flipped the switch back and shot the stupidian again. Then he flipped the switch to the “Live” position, as he called it, and shot Bob with it. Immediately Bob jumped up and yelled “What did you do that for?”
“I didn't knock you out! The switch on the gun chooses whether the person shot with it gets knocked out or revived. The, um, left means knock out and the right means revive.”
“Oh, well then, thank you very much!”

*****

They moved quickly now, stunning the stupidians as they went. Then they finally made it to the center of the dungeon, where the teleporter was located. But they wouldn't get out of there without a fight. Suddenly, from out of nowhere a very large stupidian guard appeared.
“They have invisibility powers!!?!!” Andy and Bob said simultaneously.
“Yes we do!” said the stupidian guard, “Now prepare to be annihilated!!!”
They they began fighting. It was an epic battle that went something like this:
Andy and Bob immediately jumped behind the control panel for the teleportation as the guard shot. But this stupidian wasn't as stupid as the others. He immediately started running around the control panel to get at Andy and Bob, so they had to start running too. It was essentially a game of hide and seek, only with just one hiding place. They kept trying to take shots at each other, but with no success. Eventually, something dawned on Andy.
“I'm going to try and make a force field around us!” Andy yelled out.
“Might as well try!” Bob yelled back.
Then Andy concentrated as hard as he could as the guard took a shot aimed directly at Andy. But it didn't hit him. It stopped about five feet away from Andy, but it seemed to be deflected.
“OK Bob, try and stop him!” Andy yelled, “I can't hold him for long!”
“OK, I'll try,” Bob said meekly.
It was the longest thirty-three seconds of Andy's life. Andy got weaker and weaker as Bob concentrated trying to knock out the stupidian guard. Time seemed to move in slow motion as Andy held back the gun blasts. Andy was about to give way, when the stupidian guard just slumped over and collapsed.
Andy had to just pant for a minute out of sheer tiredness. He was throughly tired out from sustaining the force field. Unfortunately, there is no rest for the weary.
A minute or two later Bob said, “Reckon we should get started on figuring out how to teleport out of here?”
“Yeah. Let's take a look.”
They walked over and saw that it was really very simple. There was just one button. They pressed it and a little display showed a weird X like symbol, then Y like symbol, then a V like symbol, then 0, then nothing. At that time, the beam activated, but they didn't move. It appeared the beam activated for a large circle a few feet away.
“Let's try that again,” Bob said.
They pressed the button again and walked onto the circle. Just five seconds after they pressed the button, they were taken into a pink whirlwind. Everything seemed jumbled and it was confusing. Then everything stopped.

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Sorry.

I got grounded from the computer this past week, so I had to hand-write my novel this week. I will work this week to type it up, while still writing new stuff. (Friday and Saturday I didn't have time to write anything on my novel.) But new stuff if coming. Almost all of Chapter One was typed up, so I will get it posted tonight.
However, I think I WILL keep handwriting my novel, because I get distracted if I use the computer. I'll just type it up the next day. (Plus, if my novel ever hits it big, I can auction the handwriten notes off for big money.)

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Prologue

It was a dark and stormy night. Everyone had already gone to sleep. Perhaps it would not have happened if the people had not gone to sleep so early that night. But they did.

On this night all over the world, village idiots disappeared from their beds. As a friend of one of the missing village idiots commented “It was scary! Here one day, gone the next! I assumed that he had just wandered off again, but after a week I was worried.” There was only one witness to these horrific events. In Walla Walla, Washington, USA, a person was walking along the sidewalk because he couldn't sleep. He said that he thought the cold and wetness outside might make him more tired. As he walked past the local village idiot's house he saw a giant s-shaped ship come down from the sky like a fiery demon. Then the ship released a bright pink beam and he saw something being pulled up by the beam. Then the ship ascended back up into the sky from whence it came.

When he told everyone the story, they were fully prepared to lock him up in the loony bin forever. Then they discovered that the village's idiot was missing. They decided to wait until the idiot came back to see if the story was true, or if he had just dreamed it all.

But it was true. It was true...

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Story Concept!

You can read the story concept in PDF format at this page.

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Concept

Well, I shall post the story concept tomorrow. Enjoy.

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Test Post

This is a test post of The Epic Journey of the Village Idiots.

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