Chapter Two: A Very Strange Prison

It was much lighter where they came out. It was also not as orange. It was a pure clean light. They could see the light coming through some windows that were very high up. They didn't admire the light for long. They held their guns up, ready to fire at anyone that might come near. But the prison appeared deserted. None of the cells had anyone in them. They couldn't see many cells though. It appeared as if they were in a special teleport room, because it was enclosed on three sides.

“Shh,” Bob whispered.

Andy nodded yes back. Bob motioned for Andy to come toward the edge of the wall. Then Bob made a very strange set of motions that Andy couldn't deduce. He figured it out fairly quickly though. Bob had motioned for Andy to create a force field around him. Andy did this and Bob ventured a look around the corner. Bob didn't see anything, so he motioned for Andy to follow. Alas, there wasn't really anything. However, the path branched off into two at the end of the hallway. They kept on walking and kept on looking in the cells, but nothing was in them.

“Not much of a crime problem, huh?” Bob commented.

“Yeah, no crime problem at all,” Andy replied.

After a while of walking through the prison they realized something. This was like a maze. They seemed to be going in circles. They tried taking different turns, but never got anywhere. They spent about an hour before they finally got someplace. Unfortunately, it was someplace they didn't want to be.

“That looks familiar,” Andy said.

“That's because we've been here before!” Bob said furiously, “That's the teleporter we got up here using.

They were very disheartened at this point, for they had gotten nowhere. Then Andy gave them a boost of confidence.

“Well, last time we took a left at this first fork. Let's take a right.”

“Wow! That was a lot to remember. And you're right. Let's get going.”

They took a right with confidence. They kept going and saw something entirely new. In an open cell they saw the most perfect looking cake ever. It was perfectly round. The icing's coloring was completely consistent. It was intricately decorated. It appeared to be a birthday cake because it had a bunch of candles on it and it said “Happy Birthday” written on it. They looked around and saw no one. At that point they realized just how hungry they were. There were two places set at the table.

“Let's eat!” Andy said.

“I'm not sure that's such a – WHOA!” said Bob as Andy dragged him over to eat.

So they sat down and took some cake. They saw it was chocolate. Then they each ate a bite.

“This tastes funny.” Bob said.

Then they both collapsed.

*****

When they woke up, they were in a cell. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that the door was closed, locked, and guarded by two stupidians.

“The cake was poisoned.” Bob said in a sad voice.

“Well, we need to get out!” Andy said in a loud voice.

“Less talking and more sitting.” one of the guards grunted in a gravely voice.

“I've got an idea,” whispered Andy as they sat down.

“Fire away,” Bob whispered back.

“You knock one of the guards out with the magic powers and when the one gets knocked out, I'll knock the other one out before he knows what has ever happened. It's a surprise attack!”

“Let's do it. You know, keep this up and you could be vice president of the National Association of Village Idiots.”

Bob concentrated really hard and soon a stupidian guard was knocked out. Andy quickly knocked the other one out.

“You know, I just realized. How are we going to get out of here?” Bob commented.

“Remember the magical powers?”

“Yeah...”

“They include levitation.”

“Oh yeah!”

Andy quickly levitated the keys over to themselves and they unlocked the door. Then they picked up the guns from the guards. However, the cake created a problem. They had no clue where they were in the prison. They once again wandered aimlessly, hoping to find something.

It took a long time but they found the cake again. They saw the parts they has eaten. They continued on from that point with more resolve and renewed hope. It took another hour, but they eventually found something of great interest. There was a door labeled “High Security Section.” This was of great interest to them. Surely a smart and important prisoner like a village idiot would be kept in the high security section! They opened and walked through the door.

The high security section didn't look different from the normal security section. The cells looked the same. They didn't see any guards. The cells still looked empty. The only noticeable difference was that there was a little switch next to each cell. They decided to flip one just for fun. To their great surprise, the cell bars electrified with a bright orange glow. This really scared them both, so they turned it off and moved on.

This section was completely deserted. The only thing of interest was another teleportation pad. They couldn't help but wonder if this one as less guarded than the one they had used. Or if it was physically closer. But they didn't have the time to worry about that.

They kept moving. They saw another booby-trap cake, but they knew well enough now to not touch those. Then they saw something very interesting. Fresh chicken soup. Bob quickly formulated a plan.

“OK, I’ll try the soup. I’ll eat some and then wait ten minutes. If I haven’t passed out or anything after I eat the soup, it is probably safe. If I do pass out, wait for the stupidians to show up and knock them out. Then wait for me to wake up.”

“Sounds good to me.”

Bob took some of the chicken soup and ate it. He commented “It tastes funny, but strangely good,” but he didn’t pass out. He kept on eating. Soon he said “I reckon it’s OK. Join me!” So Andy grabbed a bowl of soup. Nothing happened to them. They quickly finished their soup when they saw a water cooler full of soup. They quickly got some and ate it. Still nothing happened. Soon they were completely full, and refreshed, from the soup.

Walking through the maze wasn’t too hard. It wasn’t nearly as large or as complicated as the regular security section. They eventually reached something that was of incredibly great interest. There was a sign that read “Approaching Maximum Security Section. Please get out your security pass ready.” Then they turned the corner and saw them.

Two stupidian guards were blocking the entrance to the maximum security section. They quickly ducked back behind the corner as the guards fired, barely missing them.

“It’s force field time.” Andy said.

Andy made a force field around them and they got out from behind the corner. Bob quickly fired and disabled the two guards in just a few seconds.

“We’re getting good at this!” Andy said.

“Yeah. I think we’ll need to be on guard. With two guards outside the section, the inside is bound to be swarming with them. Let’s steal their guns and security passes.”

They stole them and stepped into the high security section.

*****

The place was swarming with guards. It took a short moment for the guards to realize what had just walked through the door. But that moment was all Andy and Bob needed. Andy quickly made a force field and they both shot the guards.

Then they noticed something else. Most of these cells were full. As soon as all the guards were all knocked out, the prisoners started begging to be let out. Andy resisted the urge to cause more misery towards the stupidians by letting them out. But then he thought that it is not a good idea to anger your captors. They moved on, zapping guards as they went. Each time they stole a security pass, so as to not arouse suspicion of a central intelligence. They moved quickly. This section wasn’t very maze-like. Then they spotted their goal. A sign on a windowless door said “Highest Security. NO UNAUTORIZED ACCESS.” At this point they had to give up on the “not arouse suspicion” idea. They swiped security card after security card. On the twelfth cart the door unlocked. They heard the unmistakable click of a door getting unlocked. Andy immediately put up a force field. He knew there would be many guards for these prisoners. But there was just one cell. Unfortunately, there were also five guards. The prisoner was not like all the others. The prisoner was a village idiot. As soon as the guards spotted Andy and Bob they started firing. These guns were not the same. They shot orange beams. These really drained Andy’s power. Their armor was not the same either. It absorbed almost every blast. It took fifteen shots to take down one of the guards. They quickly took down four guards when the fifth said “I surrender Don’t shoot. I can help you. I know you guys aren’t the smartest people on earth.”

This was a very shocking statement. But still, they couldn’t take chances...

“Give us your gun and we’ll talk,” Bob said.

To their great surprise, the stupidian complied.

“I’m smarter than your average stupidian. I have gathered that you guys are really stupid.”

“You would be right.” Bob said.

“So. What have you gone through so far?” the stupidian asked.

Andy and Bob told him everything. They didn’t know what made them trust this stupidian, but they did. So they told him everything. From the lava dungeon to right then. Actually, it didn’t take very long.

“So, I see you fell for the old Bloopernob dung cake trick.” the Stupidian said, “Oh, by the way, I’m Flooblax.”

Andy and Bob both nearly chocked. Bob managed to cough out “Bloopernob DUNG!?!?”

“Yeah, it tastes OK, but knocks you out for a few minutes.”

After they got over their chocking fit, Bob introduced them.

“I’m Bob, President of the National Association of Village Idiots, and this is Andy,” Andy waved, “a village idiot from Walla Walla, Washington.”

“And as I said before, I’m Flooblax. I’m a guard here.”

“How do we know we can trust you?” Bob asked.

“All you can do is trust me. You don’t have a choice, you know.” Flooblax responded. “I’ll start gaining your trust by freeing this village idiot.”

He went over to a control panel, all the while with guns pressed into his back, thanks to Andy and Bob. But then the cell was no longer electrified. Then just a moment later a force field they didn’t even know was there seemed to melt right into the ground. Then Flooblax walked over to the cell. He placed a small black knobby looking key into a small lock-like thing that then was turned. When this happened the bars slowly slid down into the ground with a mechanical and hydrolic hiss. At this point they figured that Flooblax was worthy of their trust.

Bob wasn’t thinking about Flooblax. He immediately went over to the village idiot. The village idiot appeared very frightened, and for good reason, being trapped in a cell on another planet.

“Hi. I’m Bob. I’m president of the national association of village idiots. What’s your name?”

“Philip,” said the village idiot, still sounding scared, “But you can call me Phil.”

“Nice to meet you Phil,” said Bob as he shook Phil’s hand, “So, where are you from?”

“I’m from Austin, Texas.”

Then Phil saw the stupidian.

“AHH!” Phil screamed, “Quick! Shoot him! He’s getting up!”

“Oh, him? You must not have been paying very good attention. It’s because of Flooblax here that you are free.”

At this point Flooblax interrupted saying “We’re not quite free yet. We still have to get out of here.”

“Oh, yeah. How are we going to get out of here?”

“There is a secret armory off of this cell. I made it, and everything in it, myself. There is some armor in there that will make you blend in.”

Andy then interjected “In case you haven’t noticed, our eyes don’t come out of the tops of our heads.”

“I thought of that. I’ve invented a device that puts cameras in the armored eye stalks. Then it allows you to see. It does more though! It tracks your eye movement to give the eye stalks more realistic movement and you high visibility. I’ve also invented a super-compressor so we can take along enough stuff for all the village idiots.”

“Wow! You must have been planning this for a long time!” said Bob.

“Yeah. I started work as soon as I that they were going to abduct you. And when I realized you were stupid.”

“Well, let’s suit up!” Bob said.

Flooblax walked up to the wall with the window and pressed in several of the bricks. Then the entire left-hand wall slid neatly, and silently, into the floor.

The armory room was amazing. The walls themselves seemed to glow. Then they saw the armor. It was nice armor. They each got into a suit (except Flooblax, for he was already in armor) and they were quite comfortable. Andy could see perfectly. Then something dawned on Andy.

“How do wee go to the bathroom?”

“The suit will do it for you.”

“OK...” said Andy, in a confused and highly skeptical way.

“Well, let’s set out. I also built a secret exit.” said Flooblax.

Flooblax said some kind of password, and then the wall of the secret room adjacent to the window wall slid cleanly into the floor and they were temporarily blinded by the light.